I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
smell my finger.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
