Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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