I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize