i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
