some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
