It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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