My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
