Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
