Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
