That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
