I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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