Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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