saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm just crazy horny about you
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
