Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
