I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
