a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
