last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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