found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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