i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
