Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
