She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
