Michael Bay diarrhea
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
