when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
