He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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