Pappa wants mamma naked
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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