I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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