True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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