she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
