We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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