I could have mohawked her pubes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
