i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
