come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
