fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
