I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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