Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
