I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
