When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
