you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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