He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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