I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
