I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
