Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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