it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
