I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
