Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
