His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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