Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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