You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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