We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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