Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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