I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
