I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
