I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
