This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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