I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
