That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
there is glitter all over my balls
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