dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
