shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I have demons in me.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
