I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
