As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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